It’s early so the house is quiet. The sky is just pinking in the East and it looks like it’s going to be another beautiful fall day. David has been having early morning basketball practice, and while at first I groaned about it, I have actually been enjoying the peaceful mornings. You were always such a morning person, and I never understood it!
Life has a crazy way of turning women into their mothers. I turned 45 this week and for some reason this birthday hit me hard. Perhaps because the years between 40 and 45 went by so fast, and it just seems like my life is being swallowed up busyness and worries. I have done nothing of note, nothing of impact on this earth, and should I leave tomorrow it is only my kids and husband who would really suffer.
I know that being a wife and mother is a honor, and I do not regret the years I have spent loving my family. I do regret the years that I spent avoiding myself and my personal growth…that is not right either, because I have grown tremendously over the years. I guess I mean that I regret not finding a creative outlet for myself and a way of living out my passions.
We are each unique, and as long as we are on this earth we have something of ourselves to contribute. Mother, you are a traditionalist as far as believing that a women’s place is in the home. All my life you have been a wife and stay-at-home mom, but you have also set an example of living a creative life. As long as I remember, you have been working on some creative endeavor, whether it was playing the piano, working on sewing, cooking something, singing in the choir (or at home around the piano), fixing up the flowerbeds, or painting your wood trim in the old farm house. In some ways, this was done out of necessity because we were so poor, but in reality, except for perhaps the cooking (although your creativity here added a lot of pleasure to life), most of it was to add beauty to your life and the lives of your loved ones.
You were also a dreamer. I’ve always resented the fact that you have shared this part of yourself with your sons more than your daughters. I feel as if you connect better with your sons, perhaps because the burden of turning your daughters into good wives and mothers is so heavy. I have dreams also, but they are not dreams of new houses and grand vacations. I have dreams of somehow contributing to social justice in this world. I have dreams of living a self-sustaining life. I have dreams of my kids being college educated. I have dreams of completing my college education (6 more weeks!) and finding a career path that helps me live out my ideals at some level.
Now that I have a college education, the first in our extended family to do so, I feel pressure to get in some well-paying job to prove it was worth it. It was worth it! I have loved getting a liberal education, loved learning to express my thoughts, loved learning about the psychology of the mind, and loved meeting new people. Most of all, I am proud of myself for having gone after my dreams and completed a long term, and difficult at times, goal! Go Me!
The sun is now high enough to brighten the trees in the backyard. I’m not ready for the approaching winter, but I’m going to try and make a plan to get me through and perhaps even thrive. This plan will include plenty of exercise and ways to get in touch with my creativity. It will also include figuring out our budget and finding a job. I will have to talk to you about the struggles of finding a job next time.
Until then, I love you mom! I hope you are continuing to find creative ways to enrich your life and the lives of those around you.
Tina Kay 